Children will soon forget your presents. They will always
remember your presence.

The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your kids.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
Dilbert

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
George Burns

Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.
Homer Simpson

"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"

Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby"
has never tried it.

The best inheritance parents can give their children is
a few minutes of their time each day.

Evil will always triumph over good because good is dumb.
Dark Helmet, Space Balls

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

“Demented and sad, but social.”
— The Breakfast Club
“This is so bad it’s gone past good and back to bad again.”
— Ghost World

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Woody Allen

Another such victory, and we are undone.
Pyrrhus

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don’t have film.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
Mark Twain

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.
Winston Churchill

Always do right – this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Mark Twain

You might be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater.
Mike Myers (Austin Powers: Goldmember)

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids
do you want?

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of
the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.

A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after
you’ve purchased new school clothes.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents,
despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)

Gentlemen. You can’t fight in here. This is the War Room.
President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers) in ‘Dr. Strangelove’

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
Airplane!

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Mark Twain

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
Mae West

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Ah, good ol’ trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.
Homer Simpson

All animals are equal but some are more equal than others.
George Orwell

All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
Alexander Woollcott

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching
them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years
telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.
David Brent

Bart, stop pestering Satan!
Marge Simpson

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man in the house is worth two in the street.
Mae West

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.
Desmond Morris

But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.
George Bernard Shaw

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won’t expect it back.

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" – probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
Oliver Goldsmith

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be in my bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen

I like work.  It fascinates me.  I  sit and look at it for hours.

If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on.
Sam Goldwyn

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

“You idiots! These are not them! You’ve captured their stunt doubles!” — Spaceballs

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said ‘no’.
Woody Allen

A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.
Ronald Knox

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic and so am I.
Bill Murray (What about Bob)

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

"Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam.”
Uncle Buck

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

You know, you haven’t stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
Groucho in ‘Duck Soup’

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I’m so rich, I wish I had a dime for every dime I have.
Arthur

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

You know what the trouble about real life is? There’s no danger music.
Jim Carrey

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.