Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
“You idiots! These are not them! You’ve captured their stunt doubles!” — Spaceballs
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said ‘no’.
Woody Allen
A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.
Ronald Knox
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.